Thursday, April 11, 2013

where i've been...

hey _________, 

i'm not really one to broadcast my personal life on the internet and have been keeping aloof from the social media world as of late. when i notice my life is so strongly effected that every waking moment feels like torture, i felt i should share my feelings with someone, even if that is a blog post to no one specifically. if you know me personally, you would know that i still have continued to walk the halls of my work and chatted with people in an upbeat, humorous way. but burdening the world with my problems and drowning in them at work, where no one wants to hear or see it, is simply not an option for me. i'm a strong woman and i can stand on my own two feet and plaster a smile on my face. however, this is what has been going on... 

not only have i been struggling with my inner demons and personal family problems, but i have recently been diagnosed with Meniere's Disease. it's not deadly or anything, but it is chronic and they have yet to find a cure. to sum up the disease (i think this term disease is rather silly), it is an inner ear disturbance which causes a severe equilibrium imbalance, pressure and ringing in the ears, and eventual hearing loss. some may not realize the severity of the disorder, because it appears in varying degrees. some may have a mild annoyance and it may last for 20 minutes once every few years. in my case, i have dealt with months of severe and debilitating disequilibrium where i am either bedridden or confined to a chair. i have been developing the symptoms of Meniere's since 9th grade. back in high school, i dealt with a serious bout which lasted me 24/7 for several years. The real issue with this disease is not only the severity of the symptoms that personally affects me for months, and years, at a time, but i never really know when symptoms will appear or disappear.

my personal outlet has always been my writing (i rarely am able to fully explain myself and my feelings in any other way) and i find it much easier typing to a blank sheet of paper than anyone specifically. and even if i had someone specific i wanted to talk to about my life, i still would struggle with my words and feelings. 

so as of late, i've been feeling a bit weighed down and somber. not only am i suffering from this incurable, chronic "disease" which wrecks havoc on my physical health and social life, but my family has been going through some struggles. struggles i'd rather not divulge in a blog post, but its been a rough road. and over the years, i have developed patience, strength, and a strong sense of humor to allow myself to cope with the sour feelings that have overcome me. and when i know that i have broken down the years and years i have spent building this solid wall, that's when i know that something is wrong. my life has been swirling in circles, people have come into my life and captured my heart, only to realize how unworthy they find me. sometimes i wish people could put them self in my position and realize the sacrifices and effort i have put into every single thing that i do. that maybe i'm not the cutest girl, or the skinniest, or the best at everything, but that when you have my heart, you have all of me. 

have you ever felt that a complicated and uneasy life is just the card that you've been dealt and you can't seem to escape from it? 

i hope that soon, i will find the motivation to blog more. until that day, i will continue to put on the full-fledged smile and carry on my days as if nothing is wrong.

if you are interested in finding out more about Meniere's Disease, there are many websites to check out, but here is one: The American Academy of Otolaryngology

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